We all encounter surprises, emergencies, and unexpected events. It’s not realistic to try to live completely stress-free. In fact, a healthy nervous system isn’t one that never goes into fight-or-flight; it’s one that can go into fight-or-flight when necessary, and can then return to a resting state when the danger or urgency has passed.

The issue is that many of us are stressed too often and for too long. Our systems perceive threats when there aren’t any – we may even be living in a constant state of urgency. This has serious consequences, not only for your quality of life, but also for your long-term health. When the body doesn’t get enough rest, it eventually leads to issues like burnout, fatigue, and chronic health conditions. It can also make you more reactive and emotionally volatile.

My goal is to help your system recalibrate so that it’s alert when it needs to be and at ease when it can be.

Unfortunately, for many people around the world, circumstances require them to be in survival mode 24/7. Even high-performing professionals can have seasons where they’re constantly putting out fires or scrambling to meet deadlines. If that’s you, then my work is most likely not a good fit for you at this time.

But, if you have a baseline of security in your personal and professional life – if you aren’t actually in constant danger and you have time to turn inwards – then there’s no need for you to live with chronic stress. To find relief, though, you need to understand the two things that are keeping you stuck:

#1: Resistance.

Resistance is an inner tension that forms when you say ‘no’ to your experience. You’re resisting when:

• You’re not okay with something that happens

• There’s an emotion that you’re not willing or able to feel or express

• You dislike a person, or you take issue with what they say or do

• You’re avoiding a charged topic or conversation

• You’re suppressing or masking parts of your authentic self

Whenever you don’t accept and come to terms with what’s happening, the experience gets stuck inside you and you get stuck in a state of stress.

#2: Lack of Resolution

If you go through a stressful experience, but you don’t take the time to deal with it (process it, make sense of it, and ‘grow through what you go through’), then it’ll leave an impression on you. This could take the form of:  

• A negative or limiting belief or identity

• Becoming less emotionally resilient and more reactive

• An unconscious tendency to recreate unwanted situations

• Layers of protection so you don’t have to experience that again

Just like crying children need to be soothed by their caretakers, you as an adult need to take care of yourself when you go through something challenging. If you try to put it out of your mind and ‘just get on with it’, you’re signing yourself up for even more stress in the future.

Instead of resisting your experience, you turn towards it; instead of pushing through, you resolve the issues that are holding you back. I think of it in 3 steps.

#1: Listening

Rather than trying to fix your stress, you can get to know it, and get to know what’s underneath it. Listen to your mind and body; notice your sensations, thoughts, feelings, and urges; be patient and curious with yourself until you realize what’s really going on for you.

#2: Self-Love

Then, give yourself what you need. Mindfulness often teaches you to watch your thoughts and feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. I think of them more as parts of ourselves having an experience. You probably wouldn’t just stand there while someone you cared about was struggling, so what if you actually stepped in to help out whatever it is in you that’s stressed?

I don’t believe that the only way out is through. I don’t believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in bringing light into the tunnel and making yourself at home there. When you do that, the way out will be clear.

#3: Letting Go

Once you feel a sense of resolution, you can choose to move forward and redirect your focus. It can help here to have an intention. What would it be like if you were free from this stress? What would you be like? Knowing your ideal future can really help you put the present in perspective.

Stress reduction isn’t achieved instantly. One big cathartic experience – a psychedelic journey, a spiritual encounter, a waterfall-inspired primal scream – isn’t going to solve all your problems. This is a gradual process, a subtle, incremental unraveling. It can take the form of a sigh of relief or tears. It can also be a subtle shift in the body: trembling, yawning, twitching, or relaxation. You know it’s working when you feel lighter, more natural, more comfortable in your own skin, and more able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. So, if you’re ready to slow down, to listen, and to let this process unfold, it’s a good sign that we’ll work together well.